


Everything

by aishidee



Category: League of Legends RPF
Genre: F/M, Hurt/Comfort, I Tried, I Wrote This For Me, I've been having some bad games lately, Reader Insert, Self Insert, Swearing, This is platonic btw, and this is the result, fight scene is a mess, imagine, like really self indulgent, lots of swearing, self indulgent fic, so in conclusion I needed some cheering up, this is also a Riven appreciation fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2019-04-03 23:00:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 14,209
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14006724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aishidee/pseuds/aishidee
Summary: You can't win at everything but you can try.And you proved that.So don't say sorry.





	1. PART 1

"There’s two of us aiming for Best Top Laner.”

The you from last week smiles smugly at the camera. “But there can only be one.”

Your voice, or at least the one coming from the video, echoes all over the auditorium. You still don’t know whether to laugh or cringe but one thing’s for sure: you’re too nervous to do either. And scared also.

Really fucking scared.

“And that one is going to be me.”

Your video ends with your back to the camera showing the back of your black letterman jacket which has your nickname on it in bold letters and the word “TOP” underneath it. The audience claps and cheers and for a few seconds you feel relieved. It calms you down even but it doesn’t last long as the next video starts and this time it’s of your team mate and you feel nervous all over again.

The videos were courtesy of the Media Club who had interviewed your team and the opposing team last week prior to this matchup. You step away from the curtains and head back to where your team mates -your friends- are grouped together in a small semicircle. You are all nervous that much is sure. Your midlaner is hugging himself and your botlane duo is doing something with their hands. You quickly dismiss it though. It’s probably just some synergy activity.

You face your jungler who is standing beside you. Out of all four she is the one closest to you and for good reason. If top and jungle had poor synergy then you guys wouldn’t have come this far.

“I’m so nervous.” You know it was stating the obvious but you just felt like saying it. She nods at you and to the rest of the team.

“We all are.”

The match was going to start as soon as they finished playing all the videos out there. You check your watch. Probably around 10 to 15 minutes.

“We should do a quick recap of our strategy.” Your jungler suggested and you nod eagerly. She was right. This was better than the five of you collectively being nervous together. But first you have a little something to do.

“You call the others I’ll go check on something for a while.” You say

“Where are you going?” your jungler asks and you wave your phone in her face before walking away to find a quiet, secluded spot.

“I’ll be quick!” you say to her as if that was the answer to her question. If you tell her that you’re going to check your Twitter she will never understand it.

 

***

For some reason your school had decided to hold an esports competition. Well it was the idea of a couple of student organizations but when the school approved it came as a shock to everyone including you.  Nobody had seen it coming of course. You all expected the higher ups wouldn’t agree, dismiss it all as a waste of time. It was video games after all so why would the adults approve? But then they actually did and that was when everything started.

Those who wanted to join should simply register their teams and every LoL player in school viewed this as their time to shine. But of course it took more than that. You need to have the guts to play in front of a crowd and to not break into the pressure that came with it. So while the chance had been inviting, many opted to just stay in the audience. But not you and your friends.

The moment registration was up, you guys joined and as soon as your group was approved you guys started practicing. You most of all. You didn’t want to admit this at first but eventually you cave in and told everyone (it was in the video) your biggest secret: you suck at tanks.

And as a top laner in a meta dominated by tanks the rest of the teams thought you were going to be easy kill. But oh they were so, so wrong.

You hauled your ass off during this whole competition, playing nothing but tanks. Sion, Chogath…you forced yourself to. You’ve strained your eyes reading guides from Internet threads, falling asleep to a CLIMB THE RANKS WITH SION and CARRY WITH CHOGATH SEASON 8 on Youtube. You experimented on runes until you found what fitted you the most and oh boy the bitches never knew what hit them.

You weren’t a flashy Diamond player. Hell you’re not even Plat yet but you did it. You and your friends carried yourselves up to the standings, defeated the rest of the teams and here you are, the last match of this whole shebang. One match to decide who will be the best.

And that was your goal from the start wasn’t it? To prove that a girl can do it. Woohoo girl power. Okay that wasn’t the whole reason. At first you just wanted to play, wanted to experience what it was like playing in front of a lot of people but as you guys won and won, you got yourself a lot of supporters (the smug side of you wanted to call them fans) and eventually you found yourself imagining what it’s like to be called the best until it reached to some sort of wanting. Yearning. Dreaming.

And you can tell your friends felt the same way too. You guys agreed that settling for second place was no good. They don’t award the title of best to the second placers. That wasn’t your goal. Your goal had changed from simply playing to getting that title of Best Team. And just like you stated in your video, best top laner for you. And that’s why the night before the biggest match you came up with a crazy idea: message your idol, your favourite, your number one top laner.

Last night you guys decided to sleepover at your place. Your room was big enough for all five of you and after spending the whole day practicing on ranked flex and solo queue you guys played Twister (for building team synergy your midlaner had suggested) and when you guys all got tired from laughing and literally twisting your limbs you all decided to finally relax by making yourselves some snacks while waiting for a movie to load.

You were alone in your room with your laptop in front of you, waiting patiently for the movie while your friends were downstairs in the kitchen preparing the snacks. Bored and alone the idea of messaging your idol came to you like an intrusive thought. You grab your phone and opened your Twitter app. Were you really going to do this?

You go to your idol’s Twitter. Most of his recent tweets were of him thanking his fans for the support and saying “gg” to the teams they recently had a match with. And also the occasional retweet of a picture of cats and dogs. You sigh to yourself. He was so pure.

You click on the Message button, shrugging to yourself. What harm could there be? And he will probably never read this anyway what with all the fanmail he gets on a daily basis and his busy schedule thanks to the LCK, no way will he read this so you go ahead and type your message. You’ve got nothing to lose.

_Khan!_

Now that you’ve started on this silly fanmail thing you decided to add annyeonghaseyo but in Hanggeul. You even went to Google translate to get it so now your message looked like this:

_Khan!_

_안녕하세요_

_There’s a LoL competition in my school tomorrow that started a few weeks back. Now me and my friends are one of the two groups remaining and tomorrow will be our final match. This is going to be a really big day for me and I’d like it if you could come. You’re my idol. I have always admired you and your playstyle. I mostly play bruisers too but I’ve taught myself to play tanks just so we could get to this day. But for tomorrow I decided I will go back to being a bruiser. It’s what I’m really good at and what I enjoy playing best. It would mean so much to me if you could come and cheer! Or just say hi? Anyway my school’s address is ________._

_I hope you’re doing well Khan. I always watch your matches and cheer for you guys._

_Wishing you nothing but the best,_

______________

You scan your message up and down. Were you really going to send this? But then you heard your friends coming up and with a wildly beating heart, you press the send button. That’s it. No taking back now.

“_____? You okay dude?” your ADC asks and you quickly shove your phone away. “Yeah I’m fine.” For some reason your instinct was telling you to keep this a secret. After all your friends might make fun of you and call you crazy. But it wasn’t just that. You wanted to keep this to yourself like it was a precious moment between you and your idol. You know it’s silly but you can’t help it.

Your friends gather around you and you reach for one of the cookies they made as the movie started and you went to sleep that night with your message to your idol the farthest thing on your mind.

 

***

With shaky fingers you open your Twitter app and your heart leapt at the circle signifying notifications. Did he reply? Did he finally notice you? But the excitement died down as you realized it was just some of your mutuals wishing you good luck. Of course you appreciate the gesture but you couldn’t stop the disappointment. You reply your thanks to them before shoving your phone back to your bag. Of course Khan wouldn’t reply. He probably wouldn’t even get to read your stupid fanmail. You go back to your friends and put your arms around them. You guys huddled close. After a quick recap of your plans and strategies you guys started on your motivational chants.

“Who are we?” your midlaner started

“Team _____!” you all replied in unison

“What do we want?”

“Best top laner!” you cried out at the same time as your friends cried out their answers depending on their roles. As you screamed out your answer you could almost feel it like it was in your fingertips. There was also some sort of strange energy in the air. Was this what it felt like, charging to battle?

“And when do we want it?”

“We want it today!”

“And how do we get it?”

Ok you guys didn’t actually rehearse for this part. (or more like you hadn’t totally agreed on what to say) so you blurted out “trash those motherfuckers!” while your jungler said “stomp those bitches to the ground!” at the same time your botlane duo said “destroy their vision!”

There was a few seconds of silence in your group before the five of you burst out laughing. Botlane definitely had synergy. Looking at them all laughing like that you finally felt at ease. You’ve almost completely forgotten about your initial disappointment at not getting noticed by your idol. As you all join hands you’re struck with how much you love your friends. They’ve been with you since day one, commenting on each other’s playstyles, brainstorming on strategies and outside the game your friendship is pretty solid. You couldn’t ask for nothing more.

“Ravioli ravioli give me the……..”

Who came up with this again? It didn’t matter. What’s important was that you guys were all in this and you were having fun.

So far that is.

None of your friends, not even you, would have anticipated what will happen to you in the middle of the game later on. How much you will change under pressure, becoming someone you’ve never thought you would be.

“…..Victory!” you all cry out in unison as you throw your hands in the air.

“Guys?” one of the stage crew popped in. “It’s time.” The crew gestured at the stage and it’s then that you hear the host saying the introductions for your team. You guys fall in line with you at the front.

“This is it guys.” You tell them after you take a deep, shaky breath.

“Let’s do this.”

That was the last thing you said before the curtains parted and you charged into the bright, blinding stage lights.

 

***

You feel like you’re gonna have a heart attack. And it’s only champ select.

So far you guys think you’ve banned the right ones. Galio, Braum, Zoe… and now it’s time for you to pick. You dare not look to your left for you know the audience was there and just getting a glimpse of them was enough to cause your heartbeat to skyrocket all over again. The computers were set up so that you were facing the opposing team. Despite the headset you had on you can still hear the chanting of the crowd and it was mixed. Some were cheering for the other team, some were cheering for yours. You will yourself to focus back on the screen in front of you and try your best to steady your heart.

Jesus your palm is all sweaty. You scan your champ roster up and down but you know deep down who you were gonna pick but the teeny, tiny part of you that keeps on sowing doubt to your mind was causing you to hesitate on clicking that LOCK IN button.

Christ you feel like throwing up.

“____?” your jungler calls your name. she’s sitting to your right and has already locked in Sejuani. “Just pick man.” You guys have already talked about this before. Although it’s playing tanks that got you this far you know deep in your heart (and your friends know it too) that it’s bruisers you’re best at and they respected your decision when you told them that you weren’t gonna join a competition without playing at least one of your mains. You just felt like it. You remember the days you play them and the fun you had, laughing in the middle of a game, trashing the top lane with them. And part of you wanted to prove that in a lane full of tanks you can still be a bruiser.

And win.

You close your eyes for a few seconds, taking a deep breath. When you closed your eyes it wasn’t yourself and victory you had envisioned. Instead it was your idol Khan and that non meta champ (who also happened to be one of your faves) he locked in against that game with ROX Tigers. And he won. That’s what you wanted to prove.

That’s what you wanted to be.

You open your eyes with a start, your game face on. Your runes and spells are ready. Everyone’s ready. You move your mouse to your desired champ.

“I will fucking do this.”

At that moment it was as if the whole world had gone silent, everyone’s heart in rhythm including yours. That initial nervousness and anxiety was gone, replaced now by determination. Everyone’s eyes are on you but you don’t care anymore.

You’re here to win.

You could’ve sworn you heard everyone collectively gasp as you locked in Riven.

 

***

You were up against a Chogath. Big fucking deal. You expected it was going to be a tank. All you had to do was play safe, prioritize CS over a kill and wait for your jungler. You used to joke that the secret to winning top lane is team up with the jungler but now that you’re playing it safe (and frankly a little scared) it doesn’t seem like a joke anymore.

Ten minutes into the game and both teams were still at 0-0. Everyone’s playing it safe. But you decided it’s time to give them a show. After setting up the wards you pinged for assistance.

“I need you Sejuani. Let’s get the bastard.”

Whoa you sound like some action hero. But you’re loving it! And a pro player once said (you forgot who it is) that it’s better to have confidence than none at all and so far that has been your motto. Your jungler pinged that she’s on the way. Ok the enemy jungler was busy farming. Let’s fucking go.

Sejuani positioned herself in that grassy area near the first enemy turret (you guys were on the blue side) and dumbass Chogath didn’t even place a ward there, the poor sap. Your minions arrive and Chogath comes forward to farm. Your ult is up, Sejuani is ready, the enemies are busy minding their own lanes.

“NOW!” jeez you sound like some shounen anime protagonist. Feeling it much? Sejuani moves forward at the same you do. She stuns Cho and you attack with your Q and just when the poor bastard thought he was free, you stun him and you and Seju continue to attack him. Once the stun is gone he flashes back to the safety of his turret and with your shield the turret doesn’t do much damage on you. Besides Seju’s got your back. She stuns Chogath again and you know it’s Wind Slash time.

And that’s how you got that sweet, sweet first blood.

It gave you confidence. Even more so when the crowd went wild. You grin at your jungler and share a high five. The rest of your friends gave you a thumbs up. It boosted their confidence as well. Mid started playing a little more aggressively and botlane’s doing fine.

You recall back to base with a smile.

 

***

Early to mid game you guys were doing fine. More than fine, actually. You got first turret, infernal drake and even the rift herald was yours which you guys used to destroy the first turret on mid. After that, the enemy team was able to defend so you guys recalled back to base to upgrade your build. That’s when you saw a huge wave incoming from the top lane. You told your friends you will TP there in order to clear it so you did while the others headed to mid where the enemy team was incoming.

You had faith in them. It was 7-3 already and you were pretty confident your friends could do it. So it came as a shock to you, after clearing that huge minion wave, to find that all your friends except for the jungler was killed and she was heading back to base because of her low hp. Before you can ask them what the hell happened, they erupted.

“Xayah your positioning was bad!” your jungler cried out

“M-my ult was down! I’m sorry.” Your ADC replied

“My flash too. I wasn’t able to escape in time.” The support added while mid was just silent, reading his death recap.

“Shit.” You muttered to yourself as you realized the enemies are coming for you. You decided to hide in a bush and recall. But in your hurry to recall it escaped your mind that the enemy might have vision on that particular brush and to your horror, Zac got you. You tried to escape but there was too many of them.

“Guys we need to stick together! And vision we need vision.” This was bad. The enemy was going for the Baron and you guys were all dead except for Sejuani.

“Seju is your Smite up?” you asked

“Y-yeah…”

“I put some wards there at the back. Can you TP there and try to steal it?”

“_____ it’s risky! There’s too many of them!” your midlaner said

“So what we’re just gonna give it to them? It’s worth the risk.” You reply

“No it’s not!” your midlaner countered. “We need all the help we can get and----“ you didn’t hear anymore the rest of what he said or more like you didn’t care. You let out a frustrated sigh as you saw that the enemy team had taken the Baron. But at least they recalled after that, letting you guys defend.

“Think about it ____ if Sejuani got killed in there which was very likely to happen---“

“Shut the fuck up mid!” you couldn’t take it anymore. He wasn’t helping. They had the gold advantage, baron buff and they had already surpassed your team’s kills. You decided to take the reins.

“From now on I’m calling the shots. Let’s go defend mid lane. Seju get the dragon it’s the only advantage we can afford right now.”

“I’m on it.” Your jungler replied. Your midlaner doesn’t try to hide his shock at what you just said and he’s too stunned to reply. Your botlane duo eye each other nervously but doesn’t say anything either. As Sejuani heads for the dragon, the rest of them follows you. The tension is high among the five of you but you don’t let it get to you. You’re too focused on the game, too focused on winning.

A little too focused for your own good.

 

***

The team was revolving around you. So far you got the most kills and if this was a normal game you’d thank your friends for their assists but right now you weren’t in the mood to do so. The baron still wasn’t up but you guys got Elder. Out of all the lanes the last turret on top had the least life on it so you guys decided to push top first. As you approach the turret you see three enemies incoming: Caitlyn, Tahm Kench and Karma. There were five of you so you were confident.

“You guys push the turret I’ll kill them!”

This time your midlaner stopped you. “No!” he cried out and the sound it made to your ears annoyed you. You were about to curse at him when he pointed at the screen. “Something’s wrong. Their top and jungler is missing.”

At first you wanted to say so what? But then thankfully the rational part of you took over and you began to sense that in fact something was wrong. You hate to say this but for safety purposes you instruct everyone to back away. But then Caitlyn and Karma attacks two of your team mates and you decided to fight back.

“Xayah, ult them!” you said and your ADC does so. Caitlyn, Karma and Tahm Kench were now in range of Xayah’s feathers.

“Xayah, E!”

Xayah’s timing was just right. The three enemies were now rooted on the spot and you charge forward with your team mates in tow. That’s when, out of nowhere, Zac and Chogath appears and it hits you: you had no vision. Again.

“Fuck!” you can’t help but scream. If you continue the fight you lose. “Everyone back!”

But you guys were hit with Chogath’s Q and it was followed by him silencing you. As soon as you were free you Flashed. But your team mates weren’t lucky.

“Shit my Flash is down!” one of them cried out. Xayah tries to fight Caitlyn but with her ult down it was pretty one-sided.  Sejuani tries to get Zac with Syndra backing her up but Chogath decided to use his ult and you try to go back to your team but it’s useless. You managed to take down Karma though but with your ADC and jungler dead who were next to you in terms of kills, you know this was a fight you were bound to lose. Before Zac could group himself together again you dash away from the remaining enemies. Syndra’s health is so low thanks to an Ignite and so was Rakan. As you guys escaped, the enemy team heads for the Baron.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!” you scratch your head in frustration, causing your hair to get mussed.

“I’m not stealing that Riven even if you curse at me!” your midlaner said. “Let’s back for now and try to defend.”

This time you forgot that these are your friends. You forgot that your midlaner is the guy who lets you copy his Physics homework every morning because you stayed up binge watching TV shows. You forgot that this is the guy who stayed up late with you one time till two in the morning because you were feeling down and wanted someone to talk with. You forgot it all. You forgot everything else.

“Shut the fuck up mid! All I wanted was for you to hit your ult but you can’t even do that! You’re pretty fucking useless you know that?”

As soon as the words were out, it strikes you: was this really you? Were you still…yourself?

“And Rakan for fuck’s sake you have team mates other than Xayah! Ever thought of assisting us too?”

The two of them were quiet. Your support looks down as if he was about to cry and your midlaner simply bites his lip. You know he won’t be able to say anything back because you’re right. He was playing rather terribly this late game. Your jungler tries to calm you down.

“____...” she says but you gave her a death glare. “And you!” you didn’t even try to stop yourself. “I couldn’t have gotten killed that one time if only you had placed some wards there! Do you turn off your brain sometimes huh?”

Your jungler looked like you physically slapped her. She even jolted back, staring at you wide eyed. But you don’t care. All that mattered to you was winning.

Winning, winning, winning.

Who cares if this was the girl you went out to nail salons with on weekends to relax from all the stress that schoolworks throw at you? Who cares if this was the girl you had horror movie marathons with? Right now, to you, she was just some girl who fucked up one time in this game. And you were tired of people fucking this up for you. After buying some items the three of you remaining prepared to defend.

“Don’t fuck this up Syndra I swear to god…” you were expecting minions. You expected the enemy team to recall after getting Baron but to your surprise, all four of them came charging in. Zac leaped towards you but Rakan blocks his way. You dashed away, unable to comprehend what just happened. Rakan jumped in your way to protect you. Your hand starts to shake.

“I…I’ll get Caitlyn.” You say to no one in particular while Syndra tries to fight Zac and Chogath pushes the turret. That’s when it hit you: Banner of Command. Chogath has Banner of Command. And with the baron buff…

“We’re here!” Sejuani and Xayah finally respawn. Zac killed Rakan and Syndra tried to kill Zac but Zac regrouped himself and killed Syndra. You managed to take down Caitlyn while Karma teleports so now it’s a 4v3 and in the midst of it all, you realize too late that Chogath was able to push the turret so now your inhibitor was open and to make matters worse a large minion wave was incoming from the botlane. That was fast. How did they…

“RIVEN!”

Tahm Kench tries to get you but Xayah moves to your rescue by ulting. She miraculously managed to take down Karma and Tahm Kench but they took her down with them. You and Sejuani targeted Zac but Chogath was having none of it. He backs Zac up and you finally managed to take down Zac but at the cost of Sejuani. With dread sinking in, you now realize it’s down to you and Chogath. Your hp level was equal and your ult was up in 30 seconds but you know you just can’t waste it. You head back to base and to your surprise, Cho follows you.

“Get him Riven!” your jungler cries out

“Get him!” your midlaner added and this takes you aback. These guys…why were they acting like you hadn’t insulted them a few minutes ago? Why were they cheering for you? Why were they supporting you? Why did they sound like they had poured all their faith in you? Why were they acting like…your friends?

“Get him girl you can do it!” your ADC said

“Dude think about Khan!” your support added and that stops you. Your support beams and…was that tears in his eyes? “He’s your idol right? Didn’t he pick Riven that one time in the LCK? Didn’t he get a Penta that game?”

Was he…inspiring you? He grips the edge of the desk so hard that his knuckles turned white and he tried not to let his emotions show but it was there, his hands trembling, his eyes moist. “Don’t you want this? Don’t you want to be the best? Don’t you want to prove that a bruiser can do it?”

_That you can do it?_

You face Chogath and time seemed to slow down. It was like you’re in a movie and everything was in slow motion. Your team mates were cheering for you but amidst all those voices, only one was clear.

Your champion’s.

_My spirit is not lost._

You heard screaming, kinda like a battle cry. Was it you? Probably. Did you care? Nah.

In those few seconds, you were certainly not yourself. You were a warrior with a sword bigger than you and a shield that can protect you. You were a warrior full of determination. Courage. Bravery. You had your friends’ faith. They wouldn’t give it to you without a reason. Without belief in you. Without hope.

“If I’m going down…..” you charged towards your enemy, a Void monster. But you weren’t scared.

God you weren’t scared.

“YOU’RE GOING DOWN WITH ME!”

Riven wouldn’t have gotten down without a fight.

Khan wouldn’t have given up without a fight.

Does Khan even give up? You felt like laughing. Wow you still managed to think about your idol in spite of everything huh? You must really fucking admire him.

Two Shut Downs appear before your screen turned gray.

 

***

This should feel like a Victory right? But somehow…it doesn’t.

Yes you did manage to take down that pesky Chogath and you were happy about it of course. But when you saw that the minion wave from the botlane had pushed in, the enemy super minions arrived and one of the enemies was TP-ing and you still had fifty seconds on you, that happiness didn’t last long. You and your team mates can only watch as Caitlyn, along with the super minions, took down your turrets. What can you do? You guys were dead. You guys were useless.

You guys weren’t good enough.

“N-no…” absentmindedly your hand moves to cover your mouth as your breathing escalates and you remove your eyes from the screen. You can’t bear to watch it so you stare at your keyboard instead, wanting to feel something. Anything. But it was just…

“And we have our best team, ladies and gentlemen!”

It was just some void. Some emptiness. And a nasty voice telling you that your best wasn’t good enough.

“Team ______ from the red side! Congratulations boys!”

And it hurts. It fucking hurts. You remove your headphones, unable to take this anymore. Your support is covering his face with his hands, his shoulders shaking uncontrollably. Mid wipes something from his eye and you hear him sniff. Everyone is caught up in their own emotions except for your jungler. When she sees you roll your chair back, she reaches out for you.

“_____...” but you slap her hand away and before the enemy team can even go to your side to show sportsmanship (oh screw it) you ran to the backstage, unable to stop the tears from streaming down your face.

 

***

Thank god there was a restroom here. You lock yourself in one of the stalls, closed down a toilet lid and settled yourself there, crying your heart out. That’s it. It was all for nothing. All those days of practice, brainstorming, researching…in the end you couldn’t do it. You guys weren’t the best. And they don’t give that to the poor saps who end up second place.

You don’t know how long you were crying in there but eventually you heard some knocking against your stall, followed by the voice of your jungler. It stops you from crying. Momentarily.

“_____? Are you in there? They’re giving out awards.” She sounds cheerful and some part of you wanted to insult her all over again. You frown.

“Also they’re showing clips of best plays and they showed your Camille! That one when you played against a GP?”

What the actual fuck?

“So yeah you should go see it!”

Fucking seriously?

“____...” you tell your friend. “If you think for one sec I’m falling for this---“

“It’s not a joke ____! Why would I joke at a time like this? They really are giving out awards----“

“What the serious fuck _____! I don’t care if it’s real. It’s a bloody fucking pity award don’t you get that? It’s probably just a certificate of participation. It’s for losers and you know it.”

You’re met with silence but you know she’s still there on the opposite side of that door. You already know that you’ve lost so why do you need an “award” to be reminded of it? Screw them. You weren’t a kid. You know the real awards to the ones that were just there to try to make the second placers and the rest feel better. You weren’t falling for this.

“Go away ______.”

_Before I say any more things that will hurt us both._

You don’t know what to feel when she does just that. You listen to the sound of her footsteps until they disappear completely. Aware that you’re alone once again you swing your feet down to the floor and you stand up. The gesture made you feel a bit dizzy but you walk on anyway. You walk out of your stall and into the sinks. You splash water on your face and when you look up you’re greeted by the sight of your reflection.

God you look like such a mess. Your nose and eyes were all red from crying, the bags under them seemingly became more visible. You can’t bear to look at yourself and of course you cry again. That messy reflection definitely befitted one of a loser.

One who just wasn’t good enough.

You sunk to the floor helplessly not minding that it was cold and stinky. You wished your friends could come in here and wrap their arms around you and carry you out of here and hey maybe you’d even force yourself to get that stupid award whatever it was. But the door remain closed. No one came in to comfort you. No one came to help you. No one heard you crying. And who would, when everyone out there was celebrating? Who has time for a bitter loser?

You carry yourself up and you ran out of that restroom. With your head down, you ran out of the backstage, out of the auditorium without anyone noticing you.

You hopped in to one of the elevators. You know just one place where you can be alone and at the same time, make you feel a little better.

God knows the restroom will not provide that.

 

***

The city skyline. You’ve always found it beautiful. You didn’t say this to your friends though because you fear they’ll think you’re weird. It’s just buildings after all. But still it fascinates you specially at night. However it’s late afternoon right now and you can see the sun about to go down in between those tall corporate buildings that surrounds your school.

You approach the edge of the school rooftop which had a glass partition about your chest level. Of course the school was going to put it there. Not a lot of people go up here but they didn’t want to risk any accidents. You hold your hands against the glass. It’s warm.

You gaze at the city skyline and if this was a normal day you’d think it was beautiful. Of course it was still beautiful to you but right now it does nothing to cheer you up. Jeez even coming up here was a mistake.

_Maybe I should just go home…_

You look down at your feet. Unlike other people, heights weren’t your phobia. It didn’t make you nauseated or anything. At that moment you wondered what it would feel like to jump from here. Of course you weren’t gonna do that but you entertain the thought. You imagine that it would be some sort of letting go. Letting go of all the negative thoughts and feelings. Letting go of the goal that you worked so hard for.

_Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be…._

You feel like sinking to your feet again and you can feel tears stinging at the back of your eyes but you stopped. You stopped because you heard a strange sound coming out of nowhere.

_Clap…_

_Clap…_

_Clap…_

You look around, trying to find out where that clapping was coming from. Who’s there? You wanted to cry out. Who the fuck is clapping? Was this a joke? At last you turn to the direction of the door leading to the rooftop and that’s when you saw a guy standing there, a smile on his face.

And he’s clapping.

He’s clapping at you.

If this was any other guy you’d get mad and tell him to fuck off. But how can you get mad? How can you do that when he’s….he’s….

He started walking towards you. He opens his mouth to speak.

“That…”

You feel like your eyes were going to pop out of their sockets anytime now and your mouth opened so wide that if there was a fly they’d immediately go in.

“…was an impressive Riven performance. Reminds me of my Silver days but hey…” he stops in front of you but you still haven’t found the will to speak. And how could you when standing right in front of you was…

“…that definitely wasn’t bad.”

Your idol, your favorite, your number one.

Khan.


	2. PART 2

“Uh…” a nervous chuckle escapes Khan’s lips and you don’t get it. Why is he nervous? If there’s anyone here who should be nervous it’s you. But you don’t. In fact you don’t feel anything. You just feel like you’re in a dream and probably going to wake up soon.

_Yes this is a dream. This has to be a dream._

“I get this a lot but you can talk now you know? Uh…hello?” he snaps his fingers at your face but you continue to just…stare. Then he waves his hands and finally, fucking finally, words come out of your mouth. But they’re not at all what you expected.

“K-K-Khan…”                                                            

Holy. Shit.

His smile grows bigger and he nods at you encouragingly like you’re a preschool kid learning their alphabet. He’s expecting you to go on.

“Y-you’re the actual Khan…”

Then he frowns. “No I’m an impostor.”

Now that makes more sense! Of course this guy was an impostor! There was probably some Khan impersonation contest….

Your eye twitches and your lips curl up into a smile. You probably look deranged right now but come on with everything that just happened? It’s a surprise you’re not laughing hysterically yet.

“Nah just kidding.” He raised his hands in surrender and his playful smile is back. “I’m the real deal.”

But this doesn’t….this wasn’t….

“You invited me here remember? On Twitter?”

Twitter. Your stupid fanmail. Gosh it seems like ages ago. You don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

“I figured since my fans are always showing their support for me I think it’s time I show support to them.”

Your idol. Your idol was showing support to _you_. You could hardly believe it.

“But I…I….” your hands begin to shake and there it was again, the threat of the tears.

“I lost.”

That’s it. There was no other words to describe it. “I lost and I…”

Khan was no longer smiling. No this wasn’t how it was supposed to go. You’re supposed to meet your idol with a phone and paper in hand, ready for a picture and autograph. Not this. Not with you a literal mess and him going all the way here only for you to…to…

“I tried my best but I still lost!” you couldn’t stop the words from flowing out of your mouth. That has seemed to be your habit as of late. And with the tears blurring your vision it seemed like the guy before  you wasn’t Khan but just another human being. You clench your fists as you feel a swell in your throat.

“It hurts! It fucking hurts! All those hours of practices and training…all for nothing!” images of you and your friends queuing up for another round after you just lost your last ranked surfaced to your mind. How you guys never gave up despite that and how you relaxed afterwards by making some cookies. And it reminds you again that you insulted them in the middle of that match.

That one match that really mattered. You let it slip away. You let all that pressure get into your head. You forgot…no, if you were being honest here you didn’t actually forget. You just didn’t care that time. Didn’t care that they were your friends and you hated yourself because of that. You squeezed your eyes shut as you feel a pair of arms surrounding you. You also feel your face against a soft cotton fabric and you caught a whiff of some familiar men’s cologne that reminded you of what your brother liked to spray on himself before going out.

“I’m sorry!” you practically wailed.

You think about yourself. The you that worked so hard because she believed in herself that she could do it. She could win. The you in that video who smugly told the camera that she was going to be the best. You have failed them all.

“I’m sorry!”

There was nothing else for you to say, nothing else you can think of that can convey everything you’re going through right now. So you say it again. And again and again and again.

“I’m sorry…”

“I’m sorry…

“I’m sorry.”

 

***

You didn’t know how long you stood there, being held by _Khan_. Oh my god did you just cry in his tshirt? Oh god…

But he lets you cry anyway. Caresses your hair even and you’ll be damned if that doesn’t make you feel good. When you finally seemed to settle down you were expecting him to say some words of encouragement but instead he asks you…

“Would you like something to drink?”

Your head was still against his chest but he doesn’t let go of you as he asks that and now that your senses are back you think to yourself _holy shit I’ll be damned if I let myself not soak up this moment. Khan is holding me!!! Take that Khan fans!_

You’re suddenly grateful to all the saints that you didn’t chicken out on that fanmail. You nod against his chest.

“Okay what would you like to drink?”

It was too early for something alcoholic and besides you’re not in the mood. There was only one other drink that you can think of at that moment.

“Milk tea.”

You liked having a tall plastic cup of milk tea whenever you play. Khan steps back, finally releasing you.

“Alright then anything else?”

“Pearls.” You reply, trying to ignore the tearstains you left on his shirt. (Thank god there was no snot involved or else you would’ve jumped off the school rooftop without hesitation)

“I want my milk tea with lots of pearls.”

Khan beams at you like you’ve made a good choice. “I guess I don’t have to ask if I should get you a tall or a grande.”

“Nope.” You feel the sun warm against your cheek as warm as the smile your idol was giving you right now.

“We both know the answer.”

 

***

“You think I might’ve jinxed it?”

You and Khan are sitting side by side, gazing at the city skyline. He got a milk tea for himself too and right now you feel like you’re the luckiest fan in the world. You weren’t hyperventilating as you might have expected. Instead, your heartbeat was calm and steady. It feels like you’re just hanging out with an old friend. No, not a friend exactly. Khan reminded you of an older brother, the kind that playfully musses your hair and makes fun of you but he’s got your back on times that you need it. Just like now.

“Jinxed it?”

“The Media Club interviewed me on video and basically I told everyone that I was going to be the best.” The words no longer sting and you’re glad. But the bitter disappointment was still there. Of course you can never erase that nor try to pretend to.

“I see what you mean. Nah I don’t believe in things like that. Getting jinxed. Its either you win or you don’t. And just because you lost doesn’t mean you’re not the best. Or at least one of the best.”

You divert your gaze from the city skyline to him. He faces you as well and he must’ve read the confusion on your face because he speaks again. “Just take a look at last year’s Worlds. We got sent back to Korea earlier than planned thanks to SSG but you still think I’m the best.” He gives you a playful wink and oh my god you feel like you’re in fan heaven. But most of all…

“Holy shit you’re right!”

“And SKT lost back then didn’t they? But that doesn’t mean they’re not one of the best teams. That doesn’t lessen their worth does it?”

You know that. Everyone knows that. But with someone else saying it to you it makes a whole lot more sense, more meaning.

“You guys lost because of macro. The other team was more put together and you didn’t have enough vision.”

“Okay okay I get it you don’t have to point out our mistakes.” You feel your cheeks warm because who wouldn’t be embarrassed, your idol pointing out your mistakes? But Khan shakes his head and continues. “No, no let me finish milk tea girl.”

Milk tea girl?!

“Yes you guys made mistakes but how long was that game? Thirty? Forty minutes? The fact that you pushed the other team that far means that you’re good. You’re great. You’re one of the best. Do you need an award to recognize that?”

You’re speechless. You can’t think of anything to say. Your gaze travels down to your drink as Khan’s words sink in. Why do you need an award so badly? To make it more official somehow? Display it on your room only for it to gather dust in the end?

“All I’m saying is, you are enough. Award or no award. The fact that you guys even made it this far it’s already enough of a celebration so stop beating yourself up over it.”

You managed to make a little smile. “I was also horrible to my friends you know. I lost my cool in the middle of the game and insulted them.”

Khan tilts his head to the side, the gesture reminding you that of a dog’s. He gives you a confused look. “So?”

You almost gasp. You want to say what do you mean so? Did he not understand a word you said? You were a fan but you were not blind to the rumors of Khan’s alleged toxicity in game. But still…

“You’re human, you lost your cool, you screamed at your friends. So what? You can apologize to them. You’re not perfect.”

“But I was horrible! The things I said---“

“Look milk tea girl. I’d rather have someone who shouts at the screen than someone who bottles it in, you get what I mean? The type that continues to smile and assures everyone that everything is fine when deep inside they’re bursting? Those are the types most likely to just…pop! You know what I mean? When their bottle’s full they just explode? I’d rather have someone who releases their emotions. I’m not excusing toxicity okay? I’m just saying that what you did was…human.”

“No wonder they took away your Enter key.”

Oops. Your smile freezes. Should you have said that? Oh no what if you offended him? Oh the horror! But to your relief, he laughs.

“Now that’s not what I meant. Don’t be like me okay? But I swear, cross my heart, I’m trying to be more careful with what I say on solo queue. And admit it milk tea girl you’ve probably engaged in some in game trash talk once or twice.”

“Hmm…” you squint your eyes at him. “I’m not gonna tell.”

“Oh come on! What LoL player hasn’t done that? If you don’t admit it I’m gonna tickle you!”

Jesus Christ. Being tickled by your idol? Sign me the fuck up. But with the way Khan is slowly moving towards you, you can tell he was serious.

“Okay, okay! I had a Blitzcrank support once who couldn’t hit his Q so I called him blind!”

“That’s it? That’s it?”

“And once I had a dumbass Rengar jungler who gave me a failed gank so I typed in gg noob jungler!” you throw your head back and laugh, letting the sun kiss your skin and basking in the view of the bright cerulean sky and with your idol laughing alongside you…

You felt like a winner.

“Yeah that’s it! Release all your emotions! Shout it out, milk tea girl!”

With all the crying you’ve been doing it seemed like ages ago since you last laughed. You’re so feeling it that you stand up, faced the city ahead of you as you inhaled deeply and start releasing everything that is running on your mind. And it feels good. it feels so fucking good.

“Fuck you ______ Team! I’m the best!”

“Yeah you’re the best!”

“And I’m with Khan! My idol, my favorite, my number one! So suck on that bitches!”

“Fuck yeah! Suck on that bitches!”

“I’m an amazing top laner!”

“Fuck yeah you’re amazing!”

“I’m good enough!”

“A thousand times good enough! Milk tea girl, don’t let anyone and anything tell you that you’re not. You will always be enough.”

You stop and turn to face him. A strong gust of wind blows and you reach for your hair, tucking a stray strand behind your ear. He watches you do that, solemnly. This time your voice is soft. Whatever you are going to say it wasn’t for the world to hear. It was only for the two of you.

“I wish you’d stop calling me milk tea girl.”

He stands up and reaches for your other ear, tucking a few stray hairs behind it. He never took his eyes off you as he does so.

“I like milk tea girl.”

If this was a movie this is the part where the two MCs would kiss. But this wasn’t a movie no matter how seemingly perfect the setup was. Amazing view of the sunset, you’re toe to toe with your idol, he’s looking at you and you’re looking at him. Only thing missing was background music. But you don’t need that. And you still got a hold on reality at least. No way was he going to kiss you. You’re just an average girl after all. You’re just a fan.

“Your turn.” Your voice seemed to have broke some sort of spell because he blinks several times.

“M-my turn?”

“Yep. Your turn to shout. Release all your emotions! Go!”

He laughs before facing the city. He cups his hands around his mouth before he starts shouting.

“Y’all bitches only won that one time because I wasn’t playing!”

“Fuck yeah!”

“We’re gonna make it to Worlds!”

“Fuck yeah, Worlds!” you punch your fist in the air

“I’m the best everyone else is trash!”

Wait wasn’t that Doublelift’s line? Whatever.

“Yeah that’s right everyone else is traaaash!” you shout back in a singsong voice.

“Traaaash!” Khan shouts back but this time he turns to you.

“Traaaash!” you sing back and you start laughing because holy shit this was so crazy. It all started with one fanmail you didn’t even expect him to notice but here you are, shouting at the world on top of your school building with that one player you look up to the most.

Granted you admire a lot of players and Khan wasn’t even your crush but you’ll be damned if you didn’t think you weren’t the luckiest person alive right now. Yes you’re still aware that you’ve lost but it seems so irrelevant now. And frankly you can almost pretend it didn’t happen. Contest? What contest? Here was one of the best players from Korea telling you that you’re enough. You don’t need no freaking medal for that.

“Come on, milk tea girl.” He offers his hand to you. “Let’s go down there and get your award.”

You almost said to him that you didn’t need to. You didn’t want it. You almost asked him if you guys could just stay here sipping milk teas and talking about life because duh that’s what you’d rather do. You didn’t want to go back to the “real world” just yet but then you remember your friends. They’re waiting for you down there. They might even be worried. And you still have some apologies to do.

You smile back at Khan as you take his hand. It feels warm. It feels safe. You’d still rather stay here though because you’re scared with what might greet you down there but with Khan holding your hand it reminded you of your victorious moment taking down that Void monster by yourself.

But this time you’ve got your idol with you every step of the way.

“Let’s go.”

 

***

“If I had chosen a tank do you think we would’ve won?”

You and Khan found yourselves standing at the back of the auditorium. No one’s paying you any attention because everyone’s eyes are focused on the stage where right now, the program is on its conclusion. All the teams that have participated from start to finish are being called on stage one by one starting from the last place. As each team is called, a group photo is also shown on the huge screen behind them. It’s not that your insecurity is back. You just felt like asking, playing at the what-could-have-been.

“I think you’re asking the wrong question milk tea girl.”

That takes you by surprise. You look up at him. “What do you mean?”

He gives you a playful smile. “Why did you pick Riven?”

You didn’t speak right away even though you know the answer. Your gaze wavers a little. You look at the stage where right now, five girls take their bow. You remember those girls. They were pretty amazing. You look at the stage lights which had once focused on you, the crowd which once chanted your group’s name.

You turn back to Khan. “I wanted to play her.”

He seems satisfied with your answer. You even sensed that it was the reply he was expecting. “And…” now that you’ve poured your feelings out to Khan earlier you wanted to say this out too. “I wanted to be like you.”

Now that, you can tell, was something he did not see coming. It took you by surprise too, saying it out loud and to your idol nonetheless because hello isn’t that pretty ambitious? When he doesn’t reply you start to get nervous.

“I-is that weird? I didn’t mean it in a bad way it’s just I’ve always preferred bruisers you know? And they’re not exactly meta right now and whenever you play a non-meta champ specially a favorite of mine I get all starry eyed and I…”

Khan just blinks at you and you gulp nervously but decided to press on because hey you already started. Might as well finish your stupid little confession.

“I see myself in you.”

Whoaaaa what a bold, bold move. You start to fidget. “I…I don’t mean that in a bad way okay? I know we’re totally skill levels apart I mean jeez I’m not even Plat yet but I just can’t help but think that if you can do it, be a bruiser in a lane dominated by tanks and still win, then I can too.”

Oh god was he insulted? How presumptuous can you be saying that to a _Korean Challenger_? You feel like slapping yourself specially your mouth that just can’t seem to shut up today. What was wrong with you?!

“I…I’m sorry I shouldn’t have---“

“Sorry? What are you sorry for?” he starts laughing and you might’ve joined in too if it weren’t for the fact that you were fucking scared over what you just did. “You think you’re the only one?” he pulls a phone out of his pocket and starts swiping through it for a few seconds before allowing you to see the screen.

It’s a fanmail just like yours only difference was it had a video clip included in it and it was written in Hanggeul. Khan plays the clip and you see that it’s a Riven play. You frown at him. You don’t understand.

“This was sent to me by a fan last night. He wanted me to see his Riven pentakill, saying he got super inspired by me. In other words milk tea girl, you’re not alone.”

The words echo in your head like a comforting melody: you’re not alone.

“I get that all the time.” Khan shoves his phone back in his pocket. “Someone out there got inspired by me so why would I feel insulted? It’s an honor actually. All I did was pick a champ I wanted and boom I get this. Knowing I inspired kids out there to play their hearts out…man it makes me feel so blessed.”

You can’t control the huge sigh of relief that escapes you. Finally, you let out a little laugh to make yourself more at ease. “I just thought that you know since you’re a Challenger and all that…”

“Oh milk tea girl.” He reaches out to place his hand on your head. The gesture reminded you that of your brother’s. “Let me tell you one thing about us pros. You shouldn’t treat us like we’re gods. Ok maybe with the exception of Faker but hey even Faker gets a bad game. Even Faker loses. What I’m trying to say is we’re human just like you. We make mistakes. We miss our skillshots from time to time but you don’t see that. All you see are our amazing godlike plays as they call it. You don’t see our mistakes, you don’t see our imperfections. You don’t see our human side.”

He moves his hand from your head to your shoulders, giving it an assuring squeeze. “I get bad games too you know. I lose my cool and swear.”

For some reason, you kind of want to cry.

“And games like that make me wonder sometimes if maybe I should’ve tried harder. If somehow, it was my fault we lost.”

Holy shit now Khan was making you want to cry!

“You’re not alone milk tea girl.” His grip on your shoulders tighten like he was afraid to let you go.

“You’re definitely not alone.”

 

***

The team that secured third place has just finished taking their bow. Your heart starts hammering again as you realize that your team will be called next. Khan must’ve sensed your nervousness because he gives you a concerned look but doesn’t say anything and oddly enough you preferred it that way. How can you tell him that you don’t deserve to be up there not because you lost but because you will be standing next to your friends whom you still feel ashamed for insulting.

And then it happens. The host calls on your team and the crowd gives polite claps as your photo is shown on stage. It was the five of you, with you the first on the left. You were glad you got a haircut a few weeks before this (and it turned out good). you were all doing badass poses and you found yourself staring at the you on that photo whose smug grin was ever so present. Had you still been in your self-loathing stage you would’ve cried and apologized to the you on that picture. But not anymore.

You know your worth and you weren’t gonna say sorry to yourself. Instead you should say sorry to the people you shared that picture with. But right now they are nowhere to be found.

“Team ____? Can you please come up on stage?” the host tries to laugh but the concern in his voice is still evident. You can hear collective whispers and murmurs from the crowd. They must be wondering where on earth you and your friends are. You start to panic. Should you go up there? No not without your friends. Of course not. But where are they?

You start scanning the crowd. They should be easy to find if they were still wearing the black letterman jackets you guys decided would be your team signature but you couldn’t find one in the crowd. Even Khan looks like he’s going to panic too. You start thinking of other options when finally you spot your midlaner walking to where the host stood and behind him were the others. Everyone is silent all of a sudden, even the host was speechless as your midlaner gets the mic from him without hesitation. He faces the crowd.

“______ we’re not climbing up that stage without you. God knows you worked harder than the rest of us ever did. You’ve always carried us and we couldn’t have gotten this far without you so we’re not climbing up that stage without you, top laner.”

His face turns into a bittersweet smile as he says the word top laner. Tears prick the corners of your eyes and you found yourself biting your lip. Why? What have you done to deserve this? What good thing did you do in your life for you to have such good friends?

You’re selfish, you’re insecure, you’re short tempered. But here they are telling everyone that they’re thankful for you and weren’t climbing up if you’re not there. But still you couldn’t bring yourself to move. You just stand there, silently crying, silently asking the powers that be what you had done to deserve this. You know you can’t bring yourself to go up there. You can’t. But a certain someone changes your mind.

With your friend’s speech you almost completely forgot he was there. You are reminded of his presence again when you feel a pair of strong hands grab you and turn you so that you were facing him. You look up as you realize this is the second time he will stop you from crying. You feel Khan’s knuckles gently touch the edge of your eye, swiping away a tear. Again you ask yourself what you had done to deserve this.

“Milk tea girl, listen to me. You go up there, you hear? You go up there and get that fucking second place medal because you worked your ass off for this shit and you’re gonna show everyone that you’re still the best.”

“But I can’t…I…not after what I had…”

His grip on your arms tighten. “They’re waiting for you, milk tea girl.” He jerks his head towards your friends. “They’re waiting for their amazing top laner. Guess who that is?”

Khan really liked playing with your emotions huh? One minute he makes you want to cry, now you found yourself cracking a smile in spite of your tearstained cheeks. What an emotional whirlwind this day had been. Khan doesn’t wait for you to answer.

“Yeah that’s right it’s you and not anybody else. Now you go up there and claim what’s rightfully yours. Hold your head high, milk tea girl. There’s no shame in second place and fuck anyone who tells you otherwise.”

“Yeah!” you found yourself saying back. “Fuck ‘em!”

“Yeah that’s the spirit.” He now gives your back a gentle push. “Now go! And remember, head up high!”

You chuckle softly to yourself. You didn’t need to be reminded like a kid. The second you no longer feel Khan’s hand on your back, you start running.

You start running and you never looked back.

 

***

“Ah there she is!” the host greets your presence like you were a long lost friend. “The girl with the amazing Riven play!”

You really hope you weren’t blushing in front of all these people but how could you not, when they started cheering when you climbed up on stage and stood beside your jungler? Behind you the screen changed from your group photo to a video clip, showcasing your group’s highlights. Every one of you had their share of that. Your midlaner’s triple kill with Taliyah on Day 3. Your ADC’s baron steal with Ezreal’s ult on Day 5. Your support saving your life with his Tresh. Your jungler ganking botlane on Day 7 and ending up with a double kill.  And lastly your Riven. As the video plays, you turn to your friends. You didn’t need to watch this.

“Guys I’m really sorry for what I had said. I never meant it, god no. And I don’t know what came over me.”

Can your friends hear you? Boy the host was a chatty one. He kept on commenting about your group’s highlights.

“Can you…” you swallow hard. “Can you guys ever forgive me?”

They were just staring at you like you were speaking an alien language. You’re aware that you’re on stage but you didn’t care.

“Honestly _____?” your midlaner speaks up. “We talked about you behind your back.”

Wait…

_WHAT?!_

They were all smirking now and you’re starting to wonder if this was your friends’ comeback. Finally they were going to get even and call you a bitch right here on stage but the thing is you’d be fine with it. You’d take it graciously. But again they caught you by surprise.

“We know you were the one most likely to crack under pressure so we kinda expected it already.”

Oh.

_Oh._

Now you don’t know what to say. Should you be glad? What should you even react to this situation?

“Uh…”

“But still ____ that was pretty mean of you.” Your jungler said as she tossed her hair over her shoulder. Now she was the one grinning smugly at you. “So we’ll forgive you only if you treat us to dinner.”

“And not just any other dinner!” your ADC pipes up. “We want a buffet!”

That’s it? All it’s gonna take was food? You had expected a harsher punishment like being treated like a slave but hey you were fine with this. That would mean emptying every last coin in your savings though but who cares? You got second place and your friends still love you. What’s not to celebrate?

The host approaches, holding five medals that shone like silver. He starts with your support and you clap along with the others. When finally the host reaches you, you incline your head so he can place the medal. You bask in the glory of that moment, taking it all in and wishing you can store it in a box for you to open from time to time.

The way the lace felt the moment it touched your head up until it fell around your neck like it was made to be there. The way that disk felt against your chest. The people’s cheering. Their round of applause. You finally look up and wave. You had a big smile on your face and so does your team mates. You smile and nod at the crowd, mouthing your thanks and you even imagined yourself to be a Hollywood celebrity thanks to all those camera flashes. But you didn’t let those five minutes of fame get to you.

Before you guys climb off the stage, you made sure to check the crowd for Khan. Your eyes immediately go to where the two of you last stood and there he still was, clapping and beaming at you like a proud dad. You want to run up there and throw your arms around him and proudly show him your hard earned medal. But you know you didn’t need that. Even at a distance his face was clear to you and that face had nothing but pride written on it.

Pride and possibly, affection.

Okay you still want to run up to him and introduce him to your friends. You were already imagining your friends’ shocked faces. But for some reason, Khan gets swallowed by the crowd. All of a sudden a bunch of people were standing up, blocking your view of him. That moment you had shared with Khan was gone.

And that was the last you saw of him.

 

***

You’ve never been a fan of crowds but here you are, braving it just to see a trace of him.

Just to make sure you hadn’t conjured it all up.

But when you finally reach the back of the auditorium and saw that it was nothing but empty plastic chairs, you felt defeated. Your arms hang limply by your sides and you feel lost despite all the celebration going on behind your back. The cheery music was nothing but a huge static to you as you stared at the empty space before you.

Khan isn’t here. But was he even here in the first place? Did it all really happen? Sipping milk teas on the school rooftop and shouting all your feelings to the world?

With _Khan_?

Idiot. Of course you made it all up. Why the fuck would Khan even choose your fanmail over a hundreds of thousands he probably gets every day? Why the fuck would Khan comfort you, tell you that you’re enough? Wow your loneliness must’ve been really out there huh for you to conjure up Khan, your idol comforting you.

Idiot. You’re too old for imaginary friends.

“_____?” your feel a hand on your shoulder. It’s your jungler. “You okay?”

And what else is there to do but fake a smile and nod?

“Great cos me and the guys are ready to bolt out of here and get that sweet dinner you promised us.”

Now your smile was no longer fake but the sting was still there. Why did it feel so real then, if it was nothing but your imagination conjured up by your loneliness and need for comfort?

Why the fuck did it feel so real?

You grab your jungler’s hand, giving it a squeeze.

“Great I’m ready to bolt out of here too. I’m starving.”

 

***

Monday morning back to regular programming.

Literally.

As you stare at the lines of codes in front of you, you silently curse to yourself why on earth you had agreed to get a morning class. Maybe you can in high school but Jesus Christ college was a whole other level. To your left, a guy was on his fifth can of Monster Energy but he still wouldn’t shut up about how it wasn’t keeping him awake. What a big mood.

To your right a girl kept on blinking and you can still see the bags under her eyes despite the concealer she tried on. Also a big mood.

You turn back to your PC. What the fuck even was this code supposed to do? You try to figure it out but all your mind wanted to do was sleep. You try listening to your professor but even he sounded like he also wants to sleep. You close your eyes. Perhaps a little rest wouldn’t hurt. You wouldn’t fall asleep. Just a little rest…

“Flowers for a Miss _____?”

_What the heck?!_

Now that was enough to wake you up that no other Red Bull or Monster Energy can. You almost fell out of your seat thinking maybe you had indeed fallen asleep in class and the delivery guy by the door of the  computer lab holding a bouquet of sunflowers was a part of a dream.

But no. This was real. This was pretty fucking real. Suddenly, everyone in class seemed to be awake as they watch you slowly rise out of your seat. Even the professor seemed awake and interested now. You walk past your friend’s seat and mouth to her a silent “what the fuck is going on?” but she just smiles devilishly at you.

Finally you reach the delivery guy and he hands you the flowers. You’re relieved to find a note attached to it. The professor doesn’t wait for you to go back to your seat. He picks up where he left off and reluctantly, the class turns their attention back to him and you’re glad for that. At least you wouldn’t have a bunch of eyes watching you read that note. At the back of your mind you already had a clue on who it may be from but you didn’t want to hope too much on it. This could be from a secret admirer. You weren’t a stranger to that thanks to your participation from the competition. And besides hadn’t you conjured it all up? This couldn’t possibly be from _him_ right?

_You can’t win at everything but you can try._

_And you proved that._

_So don’t say sorry._

_From,_

_Your idol your favorite your number 1_

_P.S._

_Sorry if I left without warning. I didn’t want to intrude in your private moment with your friends._

_Milk tea?_

 

The card moved in your hands and in that moment you realized you were trembling. So it wasn’t a dream after all. It wasn’t just your imagination.

It really happened.

You turn the card over, wondering if there is still something written at the back and you weren’t disappointed for there was the word _FIGHTING!!!_ and below it were signatures not just of Khan but of his team mates, all five of them. Even Pray added a smiley face next to his. And you didn’t know who it was but one of them had even drawn a cartoony Riven, her fingers poised in a peace sign.

For some reason you find yourself strangely calm. Had this been any other circumstances you would’ve jumped up and down, fangirling like crazy but instead you find yourself standing still, a giddy smile on your face, unable to believe it all.

You hear footsteps approaching and you turn to see your friend. Most likely she’s going to ask who the flowers were from but before she could say anything, you wrap your arms around her and bury your face at the crook of her neck. You’ve never been more grateful for her presence.

“Hey ____ I know we lost but…”

You think about the flowers in your hand, the word _FIGHTING!!!_ and the five signatures that came along with it.

You close your eyes and smile.

“…why do I feel like such a winner?”

_Lift your head_  
_Baby don’t be scared_  
 _Of the things that could go wrong along the way_  
 _You’ll get by with a smile_  
 _You can’t win at everything but you can try_  
 _Baby you don’t have to worry_  
 _Cos there ain’t no need to hurry_  
 _No one ever said that there’s an easy way_  
 _When they’re closing all their doors_  
 _And they don’t want you anymore_  
 _This sounds funny but I’ll say it anyway_

If it weren’t for the delicious milk tea this place offers you wouldn’t go here. The place was small and mostly occupied by students from your school, their tables laden with laptops and papers. Only one guy stood out and you approach that table confidently.

“Kim Dong-ha.” You say like you were old friends. Khan looks up from his phone and smiles back at you. A pair of headphones adorn his neck and you wonder what music he listens to. You’ll have plenty of time to ask.

“Milk tea girl.” He replies and you pull the empty seat across from him. He has already bought a milk tea for you and you’re glad that he remembered the pearls bit.

“I have a name you know and it’s ______.”

“______.” He says back and it’s probably because of his Korean accent that him saying your name sounds funny to your ears. “But I prefer milk tea girl.”

You raise your hands in surrender. “Your choice.”

“So, milk tea girl.” He leans forward and absentmindedly you mirror the gesture. You’re aware that the other customers must mistake you for a couple and you didn’t know you felt about that. Should you be happy? Yes of course you were happy who wouldn’t be? Here was your idol sipping milk teas with you. Right now he was more than just a face on your laptop screen from the nights that you tune in to the LCK. You still can’t believe this is all happening but what do you feel about Khan really? You don’t have a crush on him the same way you do for Peanut (come on who doesn’t have a crush on Peanut?).

As a fellow carry oriented top laner, you idolize him. Its his gameplays on Youtube that you like watching to get tips and just for the sheer fun of it. But right now your heart isn’t racing. In fact it’s steady and calm. You aren’t nervous at all. Your palms aren’t sweating and you’re not blushing. You just feel as if you‘re hanging out with an old friend but at the same time the acknowledgment that he’s your idol was still there.

You’re sipping milk teas with your idol on a perfectly fine Monday afternoon and you’re not hyperventilating about it. Wow you must give yourself props for that.

“So milk tea girl now that I’m here care to tour me around?”

“You want me to give you a tour of my school?”

“Well if there’s someplace more interesting than your school…”

“Of course there are more interesting places than my school!” you slap your palms on the table and he laughs. “Great we can go there but don’t tell me what it is. I want to be surprised.”

“Ooh you want to be surprised huh?” you smile slyly at him.

“As long as it isn’t illegal.”

“Oh it’s certainly not illegal but do you have the stomach for it?”

“What do you mean?” he seems confused now and you give him your best impersonation of a Disney villain’s laugh. You point at your motorcycle that you have parked just outside the café.

“You’ll find out soon enough.”

_Girl I’ll stay through the bad times_ _  
_Even if I have to fetch you everyday__

“Oh my god!” Khan’s high pitched voice made you laugh harder. You feel his hold around your waist tighten. “Milk tea girl are you trying to beat the red light? Please don’t beat the red light I beg of you!”

“Jeez calm down Khan!” both of you were wearing helmets of course and the feeling of the wind blowing through your hair pushes you to go faster.

“I ain’t calming down if we get a speeding ticket—GAH! Milk tea girl slow down!”

But you only laugh and laugh, soaking in the bright afternoon sunshine and the cool breeze.

_We’ll get by with a smile_  
_You can never be too happy in this life_  
In a world where everybody hates a happy ending story  
It’s a wonder love can make the world go round  
But don’t let it bring you down  
Or turn your face into a frown  
You’ll get along with a little prayer and a song

 

Your cotton candy was blue while Khan got pink. He doesn’t seem to mind though because right now he was more concerned about the rollercoaster looming in front of you like a giant unconquerable monster.

To Khan at least. To you it was just, well, a rollercoaster.

“It’s a rollercoaster.” He stated stoically

“Mhm.” You reply as you take a bite out of your cotton candy.

“With a loop.”

“Two loops.” You corrected and Khan nodded. You see his Adam’s apple bob up and down like he had just swallowed something hard. From the way his face seemed to lose color you already had a clue why he was acting this way.

“Kim Dong-ha!” you gasp in mock horror. “Don’t tell me that you of all people are scared of roller coasters!”

“It has a loop!” Khan cried out

“And so? That makes it more fun!”

“Fun?!” Khan grimaced like he couldn’t fathom why people would even ride this thing.

“So you prefer the kiddy one?”

“Yes yes I’d rather go for the kids’ version of this.”

“It’s shaped like a freaking caterpillar! And it’s not even high it’s for toddlers! Are you a toddler huh Kim Dong-ha?”

“When it comes to rollercoasters? Fuck yeah I’m a toddler. You ain’t changing my mind milk tea girl.”

You grin devilishly. You’ve never backed down from a challenge and right now your challenge was to make your idol ride the adult rollercoaster with you.

And you already know how to make it happen.

“We’ll see about that!” you whip your phone out and opened the video camera. You directed it at Khan’s face. “I will send this to your team mates on Twitter! They will find out that their top laner is a sissy in real life!”

Whoaaa blackmailing your idol? What have you become milk tea girl? Your ancestors are quaking in fear.

“Noooo!” Khan tries to cover his face. “Please don’t do that the guys will never let me hear the end of it!”

“Then say it! Say you’ll ride the rollercoaster with me.”

“Yes yes! I will ride the rollercoaster with you.” Khan grabs your wrist and leads you to the line for the rollercoaster. Standing in line and he’s already shivering. “Oh milk tea girl I feel like I’m gonna die.”

Laughing, you gave him a playful shove and he almost stumbles. “Kim Dong-ha you overreact too much.”

 

***

Up here the view was so grand. You can even spot your school building from a distance. This is so relaxing. You wish you could stay here a little while longer. But the guy beside you was praying for the opposite as you can tell from the way his right leg bounced up and down. You tap his shoulder.

“Don’t look down. You should admire the view and enjoy it.”

That seems to calm him for a bit. “Y-yeah the view is really nice. Oh you can see the sunset from here too.”

“Right? Isn’t it spectacular?”

“Y-yeah it is. Very beautiful. Hey milk tea girl?”

“Yeah?”

“If something happens to me please tell Peanut I was the one who ate the cookies he’s been saving. He’ll never forgive me but oh god at least I got that out of my system.”

You blink. “What the fuck Khan?”

“What? I’m serious.”

“How dare you take Peanut’s cookies!”

“I was hungry that time! Oh no don’t tell me you’re one of those Peanut fangirls.”

“I am a Peanut fangirl.”

He groans. “Damn why does Peanut get all the girls?”

You laugh and gave him another playful shove. “Hey _ajuhssi_ raise your hands like this!” you stretch your arms up in the air, hands open.

“Hey who you calling _ajuhssi_? And wait where did you even learn that word?” but he follows you anyway.

“Well you’re acting like one.” You replied

“Say milk tea girl who would you rather have beside you right now, me or Peanut?”

“Ah now that’s a no-brainer. Peanut of course I bet he ain’t scared of rollercoasters.”

“Then why did you invite me and not him?”

The answer was a no-brainer either. “You’re my idol top laner not him.”

He chuckles softly at that and you’re left wondering why you of all people does he choose to spend a day with. Why your fanmail out of all hundreds of thousands of fanmail does he choose to respond to. Why you of all people in the world who would kill for your position right now is living out this reality.

But you don’t get the answers to those questions and you never will. But you’re fine with that. Some things in life just happens you know? Not everything needs a reason. Not everything needs an answer.

You’re left wondering about those mysteries as the rollercoaster makes its descent and you and Khan raise your hands in the air, screaming all the way down.

_Lift your head_  
_Baby don’t be scared_  
 _Of the things that could go wrong along the way_  
 _You’ll get by with a smile_  
 _Now it’s time to kiss away those tears goodbye_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The italicized words at the end are song lyrics. The song is With a Smile by Eraserheads (hello fellow Filipinos)
> 
> When I was still thinking about what to write for this fic my folks had the radio on and that song played and when I heard the line "you can't win at everything but you can try" it was like BAM! I knew right away what I had to write
> 
> This fic has also been a personal outlet for me. I really do admire Khan and look up to him. That Riven penta? OMG MARRY ME
> 
> Ok you've probably had enough of my Khan fangirling so anyway I didn't intend for this fic to be romantic. my plan was to emphasize Khan being like a brother or mentor to me but along the way I found myself putting some romantic subtext and just decided to roll along with it. Personally I liked how this fic turned out considering that this is my first time to write an imagine and I really had fun writing this one so yeah
> 
> Thank you for reading the adventures of Khan and milk tea girl
> 
> *bows*


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